When You Think You Want Something and Then Realize You Don't Want It After All

When I was in elementary and middle school, I was very baby-obsessed. I knew I wanted babies when I got older. I often thought about baby names. I preferred offbeat and unusual names, for I wanted my kids names to be unique. I daydreamed about my future family constantly. I found a baby name booklet that my mother had used when she named me. She and my father looked at my name at the same time and said it aloud at once. So, that's how my name came to be. I wish my mother had thrown that booklet out, but she was a hoarder. I read it and became obsessed with baby names. I marked up that book until it had to be thrown out. I would beg my mother to let me stay at the library when she went to her nurse's meetings, and I would then spend time looking at the baby name books. I can still remember their Dewey numbers of 929.9. I tried to hide this, standing in a corner of the library and sitting on the floor, writing down my favorite names. I also would write down all the name variations I ejoyed as well, as with "Katherine"--Kathryn, Trina...Of course I favored girl's names over boy's names, for I hoped to have all girls, or mostly all girls. I could not hide this obsession completely, for I was found out by my mother. I was at yet another library and took some time getting lost in the stacks. My mother wanted to leave and I was wandering and searching around the shelves. I was not looking a baby names that time, but when I finally found my mother in the common area, she was angry at me and put her face in mine and with venom in her voice, she said "There's more to life than baby names!" She was right. It is normal for a girl to think about the children she may have someday, but it is not all right to spend countless hours thinking of names for them. It is not something to be obsessed with. A new parent should give their child a name that they and their partner both agree on, and a name that works. That's it. I have since looked at baby names now and then online, and I did belong to a Livejournal group about baby names, but that has been all. I knew I had to spend time reading other things. Naming a child is also only a tiny part about parenting. I knew I was baby-obsessed. When I was 10, 11 years old I would sometimes stuff my shirt with clothes so I could pretend to be pregnant. I would find any literature I could about babies, even picking up copies of "Expecting" and "Working Mother" magazines that I found laying around. I was psyched to learn about IVF, GIFT, and other ways to become a mother if I was not able to conceive naturally. I knew I wanted to get married young, and as soon as I could. I started having crushes on boys in 5th grade. I started an obsession with O. on the first day of 5th grade. I thought about him constantly. I knew we would get married someday. I thought I wanted to have sex with him. I hardly knew what sex was then. The other kids in school laughed at both of us, we were the laughingstock of the classroom. Kids would write notes to me and sign his name on them. He was embarrassed that I liked him. I could not stop thinking about him, even though I knew he wasn't interested in me. I finally did give up on that crush after 6th grade. I then decided I liked T. a lot. That crush was not as intense, but I did try to kiss him on the last day of 8th grade. I did finally give up that crush when I went to high school. I had a problem in high school that I wanted to badly to attend an Adventist academy, but my mother could not afford to send my sister and I to one. I was bent on going to Greater Boston Academy. That place had dormitories. I knew some people who went to South Lancaster Academy and that school would have been great. T. attended SLA and O. attended GBA. Could I still have a chance with either of them? I was mostly over O, but still liked T. a lot. I also crushed other boys from those schools. In the end, I went to state-school and never attended SDA schools. I begged my mother to take me to the Worcester church so I could see the boys there. There was P and his brother M and another family of four boys around my age. I hoped to start something with any of them. I stopped going after I was up front in a choir robe with 3 other young people, supposed to be singing, when I saw P. in the pew, making out with E. He had his hand, caressing her shoulders and kissing her. His family was on the other edge of the pew, just looking straight ahead. I could hardly sing. I had a wad of phlegm in my throat and I wanted to cry. I stopped going to that church after that and went back to my former church. Today, only P. goes to church. His brother M. is an atheist. The four boys (the family was heavily into homeschooling) no longer go to church. Unfortunately, one of them was killed in a car accident. Before I was going to the Worcester church, I was spending time hanging out with a little 4,5 year old foster child of some friends of mine. She was HIV+. She died in November 1995, while I was going to the Worcester church. I stopped spending time with dear Gracey because I was obsessed with finding an Adventist boyfriend. I wish I spent more time with my little friend instead of taking off to chase guys around. I also liked Nathaniel a lot. He went to GBA. Nathan did show an interest in me, flirted with me at a camp-meeting when we were 14,15 years old. He hung out each camp-meeting since. He went to GBA. I wanted to go to GBA badly, and I was hoping to have a relationship with him. He started dating T----, who attended middle school with me. I thought that maybe if we attended the same school, we could be dating. But, how did I know that? I fantasized about him a lot. He said he wanted to study Computer Information Systems at Andrews University in Michigan after graduation. I then knew that I wanted to attend Andrews as well! I got my sister to attend with me, so we both went to Andrews University at 18, 19 years old. I was psyched. I hoped to start a romantic relationship with him. I was so thrilled to be on my own and far away from home as well. I should have known better. It was foolish for me to go to a school far, far away to chase a man. He also could have asked me for my phone number that summer at camp-meeting, but he didn't. He could have come to visit me, but he didn't. He was nice to me at Andrews, and did sit with me in the cafeteria a few times. But, he soon started dating someone else, a girl from Ohio. Of course, I was jealous. He was affectionate with her. I remember being in the Fireside Fellowship and seeing them frolicking around in the pillows together. Unfortunately, at the end of our first semester there, he was killed in a car accident. I went to his memorial service and I saw O. there. He refused to speak to me. One of our former classmates said "Hey O---, here's *****!" He ran away from me, literally, right there in the parking lot. That was the last time I was ever in his presence. I was crushed over Nathan's death. I still do miss talking to him at Camp-meetings. I have still gone to some camp-meetings, even just to show up for a day or a few days, and I always remember Nathan. I now realize I never had a chance with him. I should have never gone to Andrews University just to chase him around and hope he would date me. I know that was extremely foolish.